Welcome to ‘Jurassic Park’ (Again)

I’m writing this as I have just started and almost finished a book. The book is Jurassic Park and I have forgotten how good it is. Truly is great. It is a real page turner and so much better than the film. Don’t get me wrong I love the film, and have seen it several times and have  read the book twice despite the thumbed copy that I own giving the impression of more reads.

I can remember that I begged my mother to buy me the book from the newsagent, saying that I would go without sweets for week. She gave in and I got my copy of the must have book in my class. You see me and mt mates were Dino freaks. Real dino freaks. we all had the Magazine ‘Dinosaurs’ and had all the books and sticker albums. I could name and spell several Dino’s, I was basically a nut case. Everyone else who didn’t understand thought we were on the craze with the rest of country as the Film was about to be released. But the truth was we had been Dino fans for a good few years before Stephen had shouted action on the first scene.

I remember reading one chapter of the book where Denis Nerdy gets his intestines ripped from his stomach. reading this paragraph when I was ten eating my chocolate fingers in bed is a feeling that I will never forget. And as I re-read that paragraph the other night I felt the same sickening sensation go through me. The book is amazing and I wished they had kept more faithful to the novel when they turned it into a film. As Grant hates kids in the film, buts loves them in the book, many characters who die in the film stay alive in the book with the exception of Nerdy and the computer guy. The only good thing about the film is that Lex is not an annoying little brat who should have been eaten by the T-Rex. She is one of the most annoying and irritating moaning whingeing little girls that any author has put pen to paper. The Novel is easy to read and is a true page turner. You are always looking over your shoulder and feeling the immense pain of those who get savagely attacked or the high emotions of being lost in a prehistoric world where you have no control of life or destiny.

But hey, that is my favorite book at the moment, and I am loving reading it again. Jurassic Park is one of those books that I can read again and again. There are not that many. If you have failed to read it then I recommend you hurry to the book shop and buy one. I would lend you my copy but it seems to be falling to bits as several people have also thumbed the pages of this extinct world.

Getting back to it!

Well after 3 weeks off, it’s time to get back to the training, and I’m going to hit it hard. There is now only four months till the big day and once again I feel unfit. It properly has something to do with the fact that I’ve been drinking like a fish for the past couple of weeks. If fish do drink. I have always found that expression odd. I thought that if fish drank they would drown hence why they have gills to breathe. Anyway the matter is that I have been drinking a lot. This last week as been 32 cans of cider and five bottles of wine and half a bottle of port. So I am now carrying a little bit of extra weight and am not feeling the clean body soul I have in the past. So come Monday it is back to gym and its intensive training.

The other matter is the lack of sponsorship. Some friends have still not put hand in pocket. That’s okay I think, as they will (better) pay up nearer the time. The thing is I’m raising money for a good cause, and If everyone I knew, both in the real world and in cyber space through Twitter and Facebook gave just one pound I would only be £100.00 of my target. Now I’m not going to get into the whole £100.00 will buy this and will enable these drugs to be used. I’m actually going to say that I am running 10K in Manchester in May in front of the television cameras to support a charity that helps fight cancer a disease that some one you know will get at some point in their life. I’m not trying to bully you into the a donation (I kind of am) but I am rather upset at the amount I have raised so far. The last time I did something for charity (Manchester to Liverpool Bike Ride) I got no donations what so ever. Maybe the main reason why I am so bothered about rasing money is that I have a strong connection with The Christie. I thank those who have already given, and I hope I will be seeing some other donations soon.

If you are kind enough to donate, please remember to tick gift aid. This basically means that George Osboure will pay the tax on te donation, so for every pound the treasury will donate 20p and it soon adds up I can tell you.

So to sum up… today is a new day where the training will start and the donations will hopeful flood in.

My Just Giving page where you can feel free to donate. Thank you

The Twitter Man

This idea comes from the book ‘The Dice Man’

Basically he plays his life out through the role of the dice. Even he does, odd’s he doesn’t. I will be doing this through twitter. I will be posting a kind of question and depending on people’s responses I will change an aspect of my life or live my life in a different way.

The one I am starting with is “If 5 people say yes then I will make a life changing decision”

Simple?

No!

I think it will find it is very simple. Basically my titter followers are my dice.

Lets see what this brings.

Wrong time of Year

Well I am writing this after emptying my bank account of funds to pay the tax man. I have no idea who thought it would be a good idea to have the tax bill payment deadline just after christmas when every one is broke. Maybe were paying for the Christmas Party at the treasury, or paying of the Chancellors credit card bill.

Don’t get me wrong I know I have to pay it, but it just seems a little evil that is has to be straight after Christmas, the time when you have no work or income.

The other issue at the moment is I have not been able to go to the gym. Well say haven’t I really mean I’ve not bothered. I am now really missing it, and next week I will be going straight into a technical rehearsal for a new play at work, so by the end of next week I would have been three weeks absent from the gym. But after next week, I am going to get right back on it, and kick everything into gear. I just need more encouragement, so here comes the asking bit…. If you would like to donate then please feel free to do so at my Just Giving page. All you need to do it click the ‘Just Giving‘  bit of the text and the wonderful web will send you there. If you want to know more about my charity then I have written page all about it.

I will be going quiet for the next week or so, so enjoy the peace and quiet while I’m away.

Bye

People

This is a big post mainly about me moaning about people. Every day I get irritated by my fellow humans who seem to be consistent in their methods of pissing me right off. So if you are one of those people who press the lift button once it’s been pressed to call it or press the “Ground” button when it is already illuminated, or maybe you might be one of those idiots who press the lift button repeatedly as for some reason that will activate the supersonic lift power. If you are not one of those then you may be the idiot who presses the pedestrian crossing button because you know what, I didn’t think of pressing it when I arrived to cross the road.  If you are one of these people then you will be offended in this blog post. Well I say offended, what I mean is I’m slagging you off but you will be to stupid to realise.

I have to every day suffer the terrible conditions of the human race. People who seem to of lost the ability to walk in a straight line, or at a pace that might be faster than a snail. Having to put up with people who have pushchairs, that feel the need to right turn in front of you. Passengers at railways stations that pull their luggage on the 3 meter handle that extrudes from the baggage compartment. When they turn a corner or add a slight bend into their walk causing you to trip over the bag that could be carried or whose contents be placed in a holdall or rucksack. The drivers (A word I use loosely) of these stupid wheeled cases seem to have no thought for others behind or around them.

But these don’t wide me up more than the idiots who just stop, or dawdle along the street. I can remember on a comedy show on Radio 4 some comedians having a debate about pedestrians using the rules of the road. I tend to agree, maybe every one should wear a helmet with lights, so they can indicate if they want to turn left or stop. Even better let’s introduce lanes. Mothers and pushchairs, old people, and shoppers who dart in and out of shops should hug the shop fronts. Those people in more of a hurry like me should have use to the outside lane, where we can walk at speed rather rather than darting in and out like bumble bee’s. The middle lane will be for people who wish to talk to friends. With the use of the hat, people can change lanes easily notifying the surrounding public to their actions.

Several times I have waited to cross the road. Most of the crossings in Manchester will change the green man as they are built into the timer function. Those that aren’t need to be pressed. But what I can’t stand is people who come along and press a button that has already been pressed, and they will continue to press it, as if the amount of presses relates to the number of seconds the Green Man will appear. These numpties also do it in the lift and out of the lift. I travel around the UK a lot with my work, and have stayed in a lot of hotels. I walk towards the lift I press the call button. Sooner or later other people will join, and press the button to call the lift. Why? I’m not just standing by a lift for the fun of it??? Once in a lift you don’t need to press the button to your floor every time some one new gets in the lift, we now live in the 21st Century and i some what feel a modern lift does remember the information you imputed.

Of course this is small fry compared to people who still can not use simple technology that has been around for years. For me it is pin number, cash, amount, go and spend. So why do people in front of me take an age to withdraw money? What are they doing? it is not helped that every cash machine is a different screen layout but the principles are the same. There use to be a time when going to the self-service checkout use to be quicker than getting in line to be served by a miserable bitch at the Boots counter for your lunch. But these muppets soon cottoned on that people were scanning and paying for their Meal Deal a lot quicker than they were being served. So they joined the queue for the self checkout. Bloody great. Self checkout is only quick, if you know what you’re doing. Scanning food across a laser is not hard but yet you look at the imbecile moving the packet from left to right until they hear a beep. God if it was brain surgery Sainsburys would employ people with degrees to sit behind these scanners, but they don’t because a monkey can do it which is how and why these companies think and to some level expect there customers to be able to work the machines. However the general public seem to fall at this hurdle, let alone managing to place the item into the bagging area, and selecting the correct payment type. It is now quicker to queue and be served by a moody bitch.

I must say that some of these people don’t just exist on the pavement or in shops. They are also on the road, but I will save that for another blog. Don’t get me wrong, people should be allowed out to shop and walk the streets, but they shouldn’t do it when I’m out. I like to walk from A to B and it seems that people who also want to walk from A to B seem to weave and sway as they have no concept of a straight line. Manchester is great for its backstreets. The rabbit warrens for walkers who don’t wish to walk up Market Street, where you would have some 14 year old twat dancing away, surrounded by a crowd of morons blocking the way. (14 yr old is that Simpson/Sampson kid who every one has forgotten, because he wasn’t really that good in the first place)

I would love to walk up Manchester High Street and smack the bible bashers in the face, I would love to smack the back of other people’s heads and yell “try walking you spanner” I will under my breath often say words to that effect. People just annoy me when out. You should do a test before you can roam the shopping centres by your self. If you are unable to step on and off a escalator without hesitation then you can move to the next part of the test which involves being able to walk in a straight line at a constant speed with the flow of the traffic. I suppose what I am saying is maybe the rules of road and lets face it are there for good reason should be applied to the streets with one added condition that when you hold you arm out to indicate your manoeuvre, you can keep your arm stretched so you whack your fellow slow pedestrian.

 

 

Weddings

Well this came about because of the wedding I attended over the weekend. It’s not going to be about the wedding, or the people there it’s more about the etiquette involved and the idea came to me, as I was stooped over my plate choking on my food as a fellow guest remarked “I used the wrong fork” followed by her husband wiping his mouth from the profiteroles saying “I’ve done a brown dirty”

Both me and him were getting  a little bit carried away and the table  that I was at was mainly built up of theatre folk laughing and being the loudest. The table plans had been allocated to seat particular people, so we were built up of ten all from the theatre and all friends, there was one of six who were family, and a table of four etc etc. Some one asked who these four people were and without thinking I blurted out “They just came for the Sunday Lunch like they do every week” Luckily no one heard.

So my point is this, I have never been to a wedding really with my parents, and have only just started to attend these excuses to get pissed, the question is how do you learn the rules, and by god there are lots of rules.

These are just some of them.

  • When leaving the church or the location of the ceremony, you have to wait for the row in front to file out first, and these people have to wait for the rows in front of them. Under no circumstances should you walk up the aisle before the groom and bride.
  • Never speak after the line “does any one here present know of any reason why these people should not be joined….” People who insist on listening to the football on the radio should take note of this rule. Your friend may be no longer if your team scores a goal and you scream ‘Yes’
  • You should always clap. Never cheer when the groom kisses the bride for the first time. Nor should you yell “Give her one from me” or  “Get in their my son” especially if you are the father of the groom.
  • Stand up when the groom and bride enter the room.
  • Shake the grooms hand and congratulate him. Give the Bride a friendly hug, no more than three seconds as any longer may be frowned upon and lead to talk.
  • Always take the glass of champagne even if you don’t drink it as there may be some one who needs to get pissed out of their brain and may want more of the fizzy stuff to forgot what he missed out on. But please make sure that they have done the hugging and shaking of hands before there trollied.
  • Remember to eat from out to in when it comes to you cutlery (please use the cutlery to eat with, not eat the cutlery). Also remember to pour water as you will look more sophisticated. Little note here if you are to have red wine, then use the smaller wine glass for water, and if you’re drinking white then use the larger glass.
  • Always listen to the speeches and clap in the right places. Always cheer when the groom stands and says “My wife and I”
  • Get pissed and pull the bridesmaid, or the brides mother
  • On the photos, when the photographer tells you that you can chuck your confetti then please make sure it is as cans of beans and pots are not appreciated.
  • Always leave the bride and groom on the dance floor, watching them dance by themselves for as long as possible.

 

If you follow these simple rules then as a guest you will have a wonderful day, without upsetting anyone. Before I go I will leave you with a Father of the Brides speech which I found to be quite amusing at a recent wedding I attended in the summer. This is the short version but it gives you an idea of the joke.

A man, his wife and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them, ‘You can have her shipped home for £5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £150.’

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, ‘Why would you spend £5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only £150?’

The man replied, ‘a man died here 2,000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.’

 

Top 5 Chocolate bars

This post has come about as I have just had the pleasure of tucking into a Mars Ice Cream bar, and that got me thinking of my top five Chocolate bars. Mars is not one of them, and one of them is no longer made but I wish it was. So starting at Five, we might as well start with the one that is no longer about. If it was then it would be at the top spot.

5 The Spira

Yes my friend this little cheeky number, from Cadbury’s was pure bliss and I so want them to bring it out again. I always called it Spiral, as many boys did. This was a nice chocolate bar, made even better as you could use it as a straw to drink you tea. 

4 Fudge

This little number was advertised as “A finger of fudge is just enough” however it wasn’t. I have a sweet tooth for fudge anyway, and combining chocolate and fudge and the nice price of 10p then 12p then 15p until recent times saw the price sore to 17p mean you can gauge out on this cheeky number. At the Lowry Outlet there is a Cadbury factory shop that use to sell ten bars for a £1.00 I would eat the entire bag before I was home, the only think that comes close is the 10p Chomp bar

3 Wispa

What can I say. I never liked this bar when I was a kid. I was always a lover of the Aero, but when Cadbury released the bar once again I grew addicted to it.

2 Drifter

My friends at school would refer this to the meal in a bar. I loved these when I was at 6th form, A can of Sprite and Drifter would go down very nicely in deed, but I can always remember it would sit on your stomach, but that wafer, chocolate, caramel goodness was worth the 50p in the school vending machine.

1 Double Decker

When there were no Drifters, I use to tuck into this calorific bar. I can remember at work I got addicted to them, and as a present from the stage management team, they got me seven bars, by the end of the first show, I was disposing of the wrapper from the fourth bar. This is one of the only bars that will bring a smile to my face when i am sad. It just tastes so good.