Well this came about because of the wedding I attended over the weekend. It’s not going to be about the wedding, or the people there it’s more about the etiquette involved and the idea came to me, as I was stooped over my plate choking on my food as a fellow guest remarked “I used the wrong fork” followed by her husband wiping his mouth from the profiteroles saying “I’ve done a brown dirty”

Both me and him were getting  a little bit carried away and the table  that I was at was mainly built up of theatre folk laughing and being the loudest. The table plans had been allocated to seat particular people, so we were built up of ten all from the theatre and all friends, there was one of six who were family, and a table of four etc etc. Some one asked who these four people were and without thinking I blurted out “They just came for the Sunday Lunch like they do every week” Luckily no one heard.

So my point is this, I have never been to a wedding really with my parents, and have only just started to attend these excuses to get pissed, the question is how do you learn the rules, and by god there are lots of rules.

These are just some of them.

  • When leaving the church or the location of the ceremony, you have to wait for the row in front to file out first, and these people have to wait for the rows in front of them. Under no circumstances should you walk up the aisle before the groom and bride.
  • Never speak after the line “does any one here present know of any reason why these people should not be joined….” People who insist on listening to the football on the radio should take note of this rule. Your friend may be no longer if your team scores a goal and you scream ‘Yes’
  • You should always clap. Never cheer when the groom kisses the bride for the first time. Nor should you yell “Give her one from me” or  “Get in their my son” especially if you are the father of the groom.
  • Stand up when the groom and bride enter the room.
  • Shake the grooms hand and congratulate him. Give the Bride a friendly hug, no more than three seconds as any longer may be frowned upon and lead to talk.
  • Always take the glass of champagne even if you don’t drink it as there may be some one who needs to get pissed out of their brain and may want more of the fizzy stuff to forgot what he missed out on. But please make sure that they have done the hugging and shaking of hands before there trollied.
  • Remember to eat from out to in when it comes to you cutlery (please use the cutlery to eat with, not eat the cutlery). Also remember to pour water as you will look more sophisticated. Little note here if you are to have red wine, then use the smaller wine glass for water, and if you’re drinking white then use the larger glass.
  • Always listen to the speeches and clap in the right places. Always cheer when the groom stands and says “My wife and I”
  • Get pissed and pull the bridesmaid, or the brides mother
  • On the photos, when the photographer tells you that you can chuck your confetti then please make sure it is as cans of beans and pots are not appreciated.
  • Always leave the bride and groom on the dance floor, watching them dance by themselves for as long as possible.


If you follow these simple rules then as a guest you will have a wonderful day, without upsetting anyone. Before I go I will leave you with a Father of the Brides speech which I found to be quite amusing at a recent wedding I attended in the summer. This is the short version but it gives you an idea of the joke.

A man, his wife and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them, ‘You can have her shipped home for £5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £150.’

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, ‘Why would you spend £5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only £150?’

The man replied, ‘a man died here 2,000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.’


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