I like jokes. I like shocking ones after an event, like the Diana ones or Michael Jackson ones. I don’t like all of them and comedians like Frankie Boyle are shocking for shock effect. I also like my comedy and soon I will blog about my favourite radio and television comedies.
This post has come about because Twitter only allows you to post 140 characters or whatever the stupid limit is, and I like to post jokes on there, and I have 3 jokes that are longer than the Twitter King will allow, so I decided to bog them.
The Battle of Hastings
King Harold was inspecting his troops on the eve of the Battle of Hastings, chatting with them a bit, trying to raise their morale, that sort of thing.
He went to the swordsmen first, choosing a soldier at random from amongst the ranks. “Do you feel ready for the battle tomorrow?” he asked.
“Oh yes, sire,” the swordsman responded eagerly.
“Handy with that thing are you?” Harold asked, indicating the man’s sword.
“Reasonably so, sire,” the man replied. “Watch.” He bent down, picked up a handful of grass, flung it in the air, and waved his sword about. When the grass fell down again, it had been cut into a neat line of soldier figures.
“Good work, man,” said Harold, impressed, “and good luck in the battle.”
“Thank you, sire,” said the soldier.
King Harold proceeded to inspect the pikemen. “Are you looking forward to the battle?” he asked one of their number.
“Yes, sire,” the man replied.
“Good with your pike, are you?” the King asked.
“Not bad,” the pikeman said. “See that flock of birds?” Harold nodded, and the pike flashed in the soldiers hand. It went sailing through the air, right through the centre of the flock, and when it came down five birds were skewered on it.
“Well done,” said Harold, “and good luck in the battle tomorrow.”
He then went to the archers, who stood proudly with their longbows, looking intimidating even to someone on their side. “Are you ready for tomorrow’s battle?” King Harold asked one bowman.
The man squinted at him a bit, then said, “Good Lord, it’s the King! Um, yes I’m ready.”
“What can you do with that bow, then?” Harold asked him.
“What? Oh, this thing? I dunno. Someone gave me it yesterday and told me to stay with these people here.”
“Well… do you see that barn over there, about twenty yards away?”
The archer peered in the direction of Harold’s pointing finger. “Oh yes, I see it,” he said at last.
“Do you think you could hit that?”
“I think so.” He lined himself up with the barn, grunting with the effort of drawing the bow, and loosed the arrow. It sailed past the barn, five feet too high and ten feet to the left.
“Did I hit it?” he asked.
“Er, yes,” said Harold. “Well done, and good luck.”
Then the King turned to the captain of archery and said in an undertone, “Watch out for that man tomorrow, will you? He’ll have somebody’s eye out with that thing.”
Pavlov was on to another experiment, with dogs and food. He began his test with a new dog and emptied some food into a dish and then whistled. The dog came running in and started eating the food. Pavlov made a note. The next day he chopped one of the legs of the dog and repeated the test. The dog came into the room and began to eat. Pavlov again made a note into his book. On the 3rd day he chopped another leg off and whistled for the dog. The bog crawled into the room and began to eat. More notes were written down in his book. The Next day he chopped a 3rd leg of and whistled. The dog just about made it into the room, and to the dish of food where he began to eat and Pavlov wrote notes about the day’s experiment. The next day he chopped of the final leg, and whistled. The dog, did not come. He whistled again, and still no dog. After several attempts Pavlov reached for his book and wrote “When a dog has no legs it appears to become deaf”
Did you hear about the American Tourists in the British Museum. The husband saw a sign that said ‘The signing of the Magna Carta 1215’ The wife looks at her watch and says ‘oh it’s12.30 we’ve just missed it’
Rabbit and The Post Office
A rabbit hopped into a post office, and placed his paws on the counter and asked the assistant
“Can I have a pound of Carrots please?’
“I’m sorry” Said the man “were a post office, we don’t sell carrots”
With this the bunny hopped off.
However the next day the same rabbit hopped into the same Post Office and placed his paws on the counter and said
“Can I have a Pound of Carrots Please?”
“I’m sorry but were a Post office we don’t sell carrots” came the reply from the other side, and the rabbit a little upset that he had no carrots hopped of.
The next day the same rabbit came into the same post office and went to the same counter.
“Can I have a pound of Carrots please?”
“I’m sorry we still don’t sell carrots were a post office as I told you yesterday and the day before, I can sell you stamps, or post you a letter”
The rabbit left.
But the next day he was back and hoped to the same man at the same counter.
“Can I have a pound of Carrots please”
The man who was now rather fed up of this routine yelled “Look were a post office we don’t sell carrots. We sell cards, stamps, send packages, post letters, pay bills but we most certainly don’t sell carrots. If you come in here tomorrow and ask for any more carrots I will nail your paws to the counter”
And with that the bunny left with a tear in his eye.
However the next day he hoped straight in to the Post Office and to the man behind the counter.
“Can I have a bag of nails” he asked
“I’m sorry were a post office we don’t have nay nails” said the man
“Can I have a pound of carrots then” said the rabbit.
I hope you enjoyed the these jokes, even if you did see the punchline coming a mile off. Anyway that’s enough from me, I’m off to finally get to the gym this week, and see what happens. The walk I did the other day, was a nice little excercise as there were lots of hills, and I didn’t feel out of breath. But at one point I decided to joke and had to give in after five minutes as i was shattered. I’m hoping that three weeks out won’t of made me that unfit otherwise I will be sleeping at work tonight.