We’re getting reports… (A parody of rolling news)

Yes, For those who have just joined us we are getting some reports in that their may be some news. I’m joined by Michael Woods an expert in these matters who has kindly joined us in the studio from Glasgow.

Michael, Thank you for coming. Now what do you make of these reports about the fact that news maybe happening.

Well, first of all I would just like to say that these are unconfirmed reports.

Unconfirmed but still reports are coming in that there may be in deed some news.

Well we have known for some time that news could happen, and while we are getting separate stories we can’t pin down any one news item as you see…

Sorry Michael I’m going to have to interrupt, as we can now confirm that there is actually no news story happening, Lorna Kelly is on the scene now.

Yes, I’m here where there is no news happening, a couple of minutes ago, several cars had stopped for a red light but now that very traffic light which bought the morning rush hour to a stand still has since changed it mind and gone green allowing these commuters for now to go about their business. 

Well Mr Woods what do you think of that?

Well I think we can see that is a perfect example…

Sorry Mr Woods but we need to go back to Lorna. Lorna you seem to have some developments.

Yes, just as we thought it was fine the traffic once again was ordered to stop as the lights changed. Some people managed to scrape through on amber but only just. 

Well incredible scenes down there at the Flower Pot cross roads, we are hearing similar cases over the UK, but we need to add that they have as of yet not been confirmed. Andy Wilson is on the phone at one of these places somewhere outside Manchester. Andy what can you tell us.

Well as many people want to go about their daily business they… Hang on, its happening, yes I can clearly see that the crowds of people waiting on the pavement have now started to cross, causing the traffic to queue behind the red light… 

Andy how far does it go back?

At least 10 cars, its hard to say as the 142 is taking up at least two normal car spaces.

Andy, Thank you. stay on the line and keep us informed.

If you’re just joining us then you’re watching ‘Getting Reports’ where were getting reports of no news, while these reports are speculation we are seeing some hard evidence of no news in the studio. With me to talk discuss this is Michael Woods from Glasgow and we are now kindly joined by professor of media studies at Crewe college. First of all I would like to come to you David.

Well this is something we see again and again, the repeated camera angles and coverage from your reporters in the field is blocking any truth coming through. 

How can you say that David… The scenes in Manchester are terrible. Every couple of minutes it seems like the traffic is being forced to stop to allow pavement walkers to cross in front. 

These pavement walkers Andrew as you call them seem to be constantly portrayed as some kind of…

Sorry gentleman we need to break you off as the headlines this Monday Morning. Thousands of motorists are left stranded as traffic lights turn red, we’re getting some reports that in some cases, green men are being illuminated to allow ‘pavement walkers to cross’ Up and down the country people may be as up to 2 minutes late for work. I’m now joined in the studio by our economics and finance editor Martin Hulme. Martin, people being delayed as up to two minutes surly this is not something the British tax payer can afford.

Quite right Mary, we are barely out of recession and now this. Those two minutes could mean a net loss of four pounds to our economy and whats more many mean people loose their parking space. 

So what can be done?

One idea is to have a constant green light, or maybe not have any lights at all. It seems to work on country roads and motorways, this would enable people to turn up on time, and could in fact increase share prices and equal the exchange rate while having the interest rates stabilise. 

Martin surely this is something that the PM would like to see, so what is holding him back. To investigate this we have a report from our European political reporter Jane Brooks with the advent of the traffic lights and downfall of business.

Cut to Report

So its now 10:06 and you’re watching ‘Getting Reports’ The top story today. Millions are not moving as traffic lights turn to red, early reports suggest that £23,000,000,000 could be wiped of the UK economy causing a 4th recession. David Cameron as called M.Ps back to Parliament to discuss the escalating issue. In the studio I’m joined by Sally our traffic reporter but before that we have this report from Ben in Scotland.

Like a giant snake that is dead, the roads of Scotland are like frozen rivers, and then just as quick as spring the ice melts and the traffic moves, but like our wintery systems the rivers soon freeze as the lights once again change to red. This is Ben Harp in Scotland, Back to you Mary.

We are now joined by Ben on the phone. Ben their seem to be stories that the traffic is clearing up.

Yes Mary that does seem to be the case. The worse of this traffic did seem to be around 08:30 Glasgow Time, but by around 09:33 the line of cars were slightly smaller, but still enough of a number to see. 

Yes Ben, we are getting news that this seems to be the case all over the UK, were you able to count the traffic?

Mary all we could count was at least 10 maybe as low as 8, but as they stopped more joined. 

Ben in Scotland, Thank you. This is something we are seeing all over the country is it not Sally?

It is yes, I have been on this news story as it has unfolded and if you remember a similar thing happened on Friday and Thursday last week. Again around 08:20-08:45 Ramsbottom time seemed to be the worse, but by 09:23 to around 09:44 Barrow-in-furness local time the traffic was calming down. Now there is talk by some people that this is just a run of the mill traffic jam, the PM yet to make a statement of course until he knows all the facts, but the high periods could be linked to the school run with the calming being the effect of people starting work. Mary. 

Well as you say that our cameras are outside number 10 as we have speculation he is about to come out, we will try and stay with our camera there at number 10. For those joining us you are watching the door of number 10 as we wait for the PM to make a statement about the chaos that as seen many car driver forced to stop at red lights, we have seen scenes… and in fact we can bring you some of these shocking images now of people on the pavement who have been allowed to cross the road being signalled by early reports of a green man. Since we bought you this footage we can now confirm that in deed they were being signalled by a green man, but in new news when the traffic was  allowed to move, a red man stopped the pavement walker. Causing more speculation that another five pounds could be wiped of the stock market by tea time. We are gong to stay with this story all morning but now its time to go over to Ken with todays other news. Ken.

Thank you Mary. The palace has reported that at 05:32 the Queen died. 

Just a little sketch, after the rolling news of the virgin plane that I felt the BBC wanted to make into a story. Even when it did a test book landing and not the fireball of death they were hoping for they still carried on trying to report a non event.

Having the Memory

Six months I’ve been back in the country and thats not to say I haven’t enjoyed the time. I’ve got myself a new shiny road bike, caught up with old friends but the truth is it’s just the same as when I left these shores for the ones of New Zealand. Nothing has really changed. I returned to my parents and I’ve tried to settle back in and get a job, boy have I tried to get a job… Its not that there isn’t any out there, its just whats the point of getting bar or supermarket work, when thats not what I want to do?

Anyway once again I wander of the path. The one subject that has been on my lips since the plane touched back on British soil, was how great New Zealand was and how it was right for me. In truth I think I have turned down or selected certain decisions on the fact that I want to return back to Wellington… Why move out of the parents and sign up for house when another visa could be in the post. At least at the folks house I can pack up and go straight away.

Yes everything has been about getting back. Well before Christmas that opportunity came in the the form of a Bunac IEP visa. Did I grab it with both hands? No, I said I would think about it. Why? Why indeed. I think in my hearts of hearts I know maybe its not to be, I always said I wanted to live and move over full time and if I had got sponsorship first time round that would be true, however I didn’t and now many of my friends have moved on, whether back to their own countries or else where in NZ.

So maybe my love and thoughts of returning is trying to hold on to a dream, a bygone era, if I go back its going to be different and maybe not the way I remember it, am I prolonging the prospect of growing up in the UK, settling down with pension, house, car, the white picket fence life? Is New Zealand somehow me running away from my responsibilities and life in the UK. Sure I was happy over there, maybe the happiest I have been, but are my memories clouded. There were times I felt low, I had no job for three months, no money to my name for one of those but yet the memories are always off Burger Fuel, nights out at the Embassy, craft beer, the beach, the friends, the pals, the fellow travellers, the one who have now moved on. Was it the city, the country I remember or the people I shared it with… Why do I feel so strong about the place.

The place is really quite different. Sure I have NZ mates, who were born and bred in the city, but most of my network were fellow travellers who’s relationships were built in the hostel we all sheltered in before we made our lives in the capital city. Sure I could go else where and be a traveller make new friends a new life in a new town, but whats the point if in a year I have to pack it all up again, knowing that I will only ever return for holidays if and when my wallet will allow.

So now I have the opportunity I find myself again, worrying and becoming scared if taking the visa is the right idea, but unlike last time, I won’t be stepping into the unknown, and some how that terrifies me more than not knowing what is to be expected.