We’re getting reports… (A parody of rolling news)

Yes, For those who have just joined us we are getting some reports in that their may be some news. I’m joined by Michael Woods an expert in these matters who has kindly joined us in the studio from Glasgow.

Michael, Thank you for coming. Now what do you make of these reports about the fact that news maybe happening.

Well, first of all I would just like to say that these are unconfirmed reports.

Unconfirmed but still reports are coming in that there may be in deed some news.

Well we have known for some time that news could happen, and while we are getting separate stories we can’t pin down any one news item as you see…

Sorry Michael I’m going to have to interrupt, as we can now confirm that there is actually no news story happening, Lorna Kelly is on the scene now.

Yes, I’m here where there is no news happening, a couple of minutes ago, several cars had stopped for a red light but now that very traffic light which bought the morning rush hour to a stand still has since changed it mind and gone green allowing these commuters for now to go about their business. 

Well Mr Woods what do you think of that?

Well I think we can see that is a perfect example…

Sorry Mr Woods but we need to go back to Lorna. Lorna you seem to have some developments.

Yes, just as we thought it was fine the traffic once again was ordered to stop as the lights changed. Some people managed to scrape through on amber but only just. 

Well incredible scenes down there at the Flower Pot cross roads, we are hearing similar cases over the UK, but we need to add that they have as of yet not been confirmed. Andy Wilson is on the phone at one of these places somewhere outside Manchester. Andy what can you tell us.

Well as many people want to go about their daily business they… Hang on, its happening, yes I can clearly see that the crowds of people waiting on the pavement have now started to cross, causing the traffic to queue behind the red light… 

Andy how far does it go back?

At least 10 cars, its hard to say as the 142 is taking up at least two normal car spaces.

Andy, Thank you. stay on the line and keep us informed.

If you’re just joining us then you’re watching ‘Getting Reports’ where were getting reports of no news, while these reports are speculation we are seeing some hard evidence of no news in the studio. With me to talk discuss this is Michael Woods from Glasgow and we are now kindly joined by professor of media studies at Crewe college. First of all I would like to come to you David.

Well this is something we see again and again, the repeated camera angles and coverage from your reporters in the field is blocking any truth coming through. 

How can you say that David… The scenes in Manchester are terrible. Every couple of minutes it seems like the traffic is being forced to stop to allow pavement walkers to cross in front. 

These pavement walkers Andrew as you call them seem to be constantly portrayed as some kind of…

Sorry gentleman we need to break you off as the headlines this Monday Morning. Thousands of motorists are left stranded as traffic lights turn red, we’re getting some reports that in some cases, green men are being illuminated to allow ‘pavement walkers to cross’ Up and down the country people may be as up to 2 minutes late for work. I’m now joined in the studio by our economics and finance editor Martin Hulme. Martin, people being delayed as up to two minutes surly this is not something the British tax payer can afford.

Quite right Mary, we are barely out of recession and now this. Those two minutes could mean a net loss of four pounds to our economy and whats more many mean people loose their parking space. 

So what can be done?

One idea is to have a constant green light, or maybe not have any lights at all. It seems to work on country roads and motorways, this would enable people to turn up on time, and could in fact increase share prices and equal the exchange rate while having the interest rates stabilise. 

Martin surely this is something that the PM would like to see, so what is holding him back. To investigate this we have a report from our European political reporter Jane Brooks with the advent of the traffic lights and downfall of business.

Cut to Report

So its now 10:06 and you’re watching ‘Getting Reports’ The top story today. Millions are not moving as traffic lights turn to red, early reports suggest that £23,000,000,000 could be wiped of the UK economy causing a 4th recession. David Cameron as called M.Ps back to Parliament to discuss the escalating issue. In the studio I’m joined by Sally our traffic reporter but before that we have this report from Ben in Scotland.

Like a giant snake that is dead, the roads of Scotland are like frozen rivers, and then just as quick as spring the ice melts and the traffic moves, but like our wintery systems the rivers soon freeze as the lights once again change to red. This is Ben Harp in Scotland, Back to you Mary.

We are now joined by Ben on the phone. Ben their seem to be stories that the traffic is clearing up.

Yes Mary that does seem to be the case. The worse of this traffic did seem to be around 08:30 Glasgow Time, but by around 09:33 the line of cars were slightly smaller, but still enough of a number to see. 

Yes Ben, we are getting news that this seems to be the case all over the UK, were you able to count the traffic?

Mary all we could count was at least 10 maybe as low as 8, but as they stopped more joined. 

Ben in Scotland, Thank you. This is something we are seeing all over the country is it not Sally?

It is yes, I have been on this news story as it has unfolded and if you remember a similar thing happened on Friday and Thursday last week. Again around 08:20-08:45 Ramsbottom time seemed to be the worse, but by 09:23 to around 09:44 Barrow-in-furness local time the traffic was calming down. Now there is talk by some people that this is just a run of the mill traffic jam, the PM yet to make a statement of course until he knows all the facts, but the high periods could be linked to the school run with the calming being the effect of people starting work. Mary. 

Well as you say that our cameras are outside number 10 as we have speculation he is about to come out, we will try and stay with our camera there at number 10. For those joining us you are watching the door of number 10 as we wait for the PM to make a statement about the chaos that as seen many car driver forced to stop at red lights, we have seen scenes… and in fact we can bring you some of these shocking images now of people on the pavement who have been allowed to cross the road being signalled by early reports of a green man. Since we bought you this footage we can now confirm that in deed they were being signalled by a green man, but in new news when the traffic was  allowed to move, a red man stopped the pavement walker. Causing more speculation that another five pounds could be wiped of the stock market by tea time. We are gong to stay with this story all morning but now its time to go over to Ken with todays other news. Ken.

Thank you Mary. The palace has reported that at 05:32 the Queen died. 

Just a little sketch, after the rolling news of the virgin plane that I felt the BBC wanted to make into a story. Even when it did a test book landing and not the fireball of death they were hoping for they still carried on trying to report a non event.

A Story

This is a short story I began a while ago, not sure where it was heading to.

The Detective

The year was 1872, and the call out was the country manner. I didn’t know what I was being called out to, none of us did. The manner was a place you wished you never got the call from, partly because the person on the other end was deaf, so it proved to be a difficult conversation. Plus the telephone was not to be invented for another four years, and the string connecting the tins often got tangled with people passing by.

I was sat in my office, which I always thought was a useful place to carry out work. It had my desk and a chair. I was saving up for a filing cabinet, but for now the office suited me. I shared it with my sergeant he was a young man by the name of Clive. He had been promoted through the ranks since he joined the force he always reminded me of myself in my youth, as I to was promoted through the ranks, I also thought it would be easier to step into the breach of Detective but the trousers were always made for the more rounded gentleman it proved you needed to serve your time to grow into them.

It was as me and Clive were typing up our notes of the Bosworth case that the knock on the door happened. I as I always did ignored it, Clive on the other hand quickly opened, to find a tall slim lady standing on the other side. She quickly moved out of the way, as she was just passing by. In her place was Michael Peel. Peel was the office clerk the man who filtered the calls answered the post and picked the milk up from the corner shop for tea break, sometimes if he was feeling generous he would even pick up some biscuits.

Peel always behaved as if he was the power behind the force, that without him, we wouldn’t be who we are. “New case for Detective” I again ignored him. I still hadn’t forgiven him for buying ginger knuts. He knew I hated ginger knuts. In the awkward silence that followed Clive stepped in to break the tension that was growing.

“whats the case Mike?”

“it’s an interesting one, me dad said to give it to you”

“Really what is it, another murder, a missing person?”

“Both”

It was at this point that I started to listen.

“Both, but how can it be both?”

“The body has gone missing”

I needed to interject, but I thought I would allow Clive to investigate.

“ So how do they know there’s been a murder?”

“A note”

“A note” I could not contain my silence I butted in and continued the conversation with Mike. “ Well thank you Mike that will be all. We will deal with it now” With that I ushered him out of my office, and shut the door on Mike’s face. I returned to my seat behind the desk as that is where I had left it, and it always seemed a good place to keep a chair. I sat down, and turned to Clive.

“What you thinking Detective?”

“I’m thinking we didn’t find out where this took place”

“God this is going to be a hard one to solve then, isn’t it?”

“Yes”

Luckily for Clive and I Mike had left his coffee cup on my desk, on his return I asked him where the location of this missing murder had been. The answer that Mike had replied made me sweat with fear. I called for Simon, my trust horse. I told Clive to man the desk and wrap up the last  case. He gave me a puzzled look, for some weeks now he had tried to make me choose a different present for my wife’s birthday, I being stubborn disagreed  thinking that a nice brown suitcase with golden buckles would be a wonderful 50th birthday gift.

The pathway up to the old manor house was dark, my intelligence had told me that this was due to the the lack of gas lamps to light the way. I was luckily enough to have a spare candle on my person and with a strike of a match I illuminated my path to the door. I banged the large door knocker, a recent invention that saw a NoBel prize for it’s inventor. The sound reverberated around the my head, and from the last drones of the banging that echoed came foot steps. A young boy slowly opened the door in his pyjarmas I thought it was a strange place to have a door but the thought quickly past as I needed to speak to the house keeper on urgent business.

Call for a writing partner again

Well a while ago I sent a message to the world or rather the blogging community that I wanted to write a comedy show and was in need of a partner.

Once again I find my self trying to encourage people to the forum and become part of an inspirational writing duo, or if there was more of a murmur then I’m sure we could accommodate a gang and take the radio four comedy scene by storm.

Maybe I should recap on where my humour sits and hopefully this will attract the correct fellow comically people to find the courage to approach me.

My humour is everything, I mean from silent to slapstick, political to childish, radio to stand up, knock knock to observation and of course a bit of blue. However ‘Mrs Browns Boys’ is not on the list of comedy that I enjoy.

So what comedy do I wish to write or have a go at… The big answer is radio and whether this is in the form of sketch or a sitcom I have yet to make my mind up. I like the styles of ‘Round the Horne’ and would love to write clever with a touch of silly humour like

“I had been working on the case for some months, my constable told me that it would be easier on my back if I used my desk but I was old fashioned. The file was passed to me from the crime squad and had started when Charlie Fine enter ten puns into a pun competition hoping to win. It all kicked off when no pun in ten did and Charlie accursed the organisers of fixing. It had been an odd several months and now on this cold night I had to go to our chief suspects house. I knocked the door knocker a wonderful invention that won a Nobel prize for the inventor. After a long pause a boy answered the door in his pyjamas I thought it was an odd place to have a door but the idea was quickly forgotten as I needed to speak to his dad”

Okay I admit more silly than clever but do you think I am about to broadcast my best work on the web? I do like silly and surreal humour as at the moment the play I’m working on would be vastly improved with the addition of some birds. The comedy of course comes with picking the right bird for the scene and without droning on to give a synopsis of the show, you will just have to believe me that adding a pelican in Act 2 scene 3 would bring the house down.

So while I have not achieved my goal of attracting a writing partner hopefully I have secured a commission with Radio 4 for my Noir detective style comedy ramblings and who knows I may even go away and continue the episode for another blog post.

Now won’t that be nice?

Jokes

I like jokes. I like shocking ones after an event, like the Diana ones or Michael Jackson ones. I don’t like all of them and comedians like Frankie Boyle are shocking for shock effect. I also like my comedy and soon I will blog about my favourite radio and television comedies.

This post has come about because Twitter only allows you to post 140 characters or whatever the stupid limit is, and I like to post jokes on there, and I have 3 jokes that are longer than the Twitter King will allow, so I decided to bog them.

The Battle of Hastings

King Harold was inspecting his troops on the eve of the Battle of Hastings, chatting with them a bit, trying to raise their morale, that sort of thing.

He went to the swordsmen first, choosing a soldier at random from amongst the ranks. “Do you feel ready for the battle tomorrow?” he asked.

“Oh yes, sire,” the swordsman responded eagerly.

“Handy with that thing are you?” Harold asked, indicating the man’s sword.

“Reasonably so, sire,” the man replied. “Watch.” He bent down, picked up a handful of grass, flung it in the air, and waved his sword about. When the grass fell down again, it had been cut into a neat line of soldier figures.

“Good work, man,” said Harold, impressed, “and good luck in the battle.”

“Thank you, sire,” said the soldier.

King Harold proceeded to inspect the pikemen. “Are you looking forward to the battle?” he asked one of their number.

“Yes, sire,” the man replied.

“Good with your pike, are you?” the King asked.

“Not bad,” the pikeman said. “See that flock of birds?” Harold nodded, and the pike flashed in the soldiers hand. It went sailing through the air, right through the centre of the flock, and when it came down five birds were skewered on it.

“Well done,” said Harold, “and good luck in the battle tomorrow.”

He then went to the archers, who stood proudly with their longbows, looking intimidating even to someone on their side. “Are you ready for tomorrow’s battle?” King Harold asked one bowman.

The man squinted at him a bit, then said, “Good Lord, it’s the King! Um, yes I’m ready.”

“What can you do with that bow, then?” Harold asked him.

“What? Oh, this thing? I dunno. Someone gave me it yesterday and told me to stay with these people here.”

“Well… do you see that barn over there, about twenty yards away?”

The archer peered in the direction of Harold’s pointing finger. “Oh yes, I see it,” he said at last.

“Do you think you could hit that?”

“I think so.” He lined himself up with the barn, grunting with the effort of drawing the bow, and loosed the arrow. It sailed past the barn, five feet too high and ten feet to the left.

“Did I hit it?” he asked.

“Er, yes,” said Harold. “Well done, and good luck.”

Then the King turned to the captain of archery and said in an undertone, “Watch out for that man tomorrow, will you? He’ll have somebody’s eye out with that thing.”

Pavlov Dog

Pavlov was on to another experiment, with dogs and food. He began his test with a new dog and emptied some food into a dish and then whistled. The dog came running in and started eating the food. Pavlov made a note. The next day he chopped one of the legs of the dog and repeated the test. The dog came into the room and began to eat. Pavlov again made a note into his book. On the 3rd day he chopped another leg off and whistled for the dog. The bog crawled into the room and began to eat. More notes were written down in his book. The Next day he chopped a 3rd leg of and whistled. The dog just about made it into the room, and to the dish of food where he began to eat and Pavlov wrote notes about the day’s experiment. The next day he chopped of the final leg, and whistled. The dog, did not come. He whistled again, and still no dog. After several attempts Pavlov reached for his book and wrote “When a dog has no legs it appears to become deaf”

American Tourist

Did you hear about the American Tourists in the British Museum. The husband saw a sign that said ‘The signing of the Magna Carta 1215’ The wife looks at her watch and says ‘oh it’s12.30 we’ve just missed it’

Rabbit and The Post Office

A rabbit hopped into a post office, and placed his paws on the counter and asked the assistant

“Can I have a pound of Carrots please?’

“I’m sorry” Said the man “were a post office, we don’t sell carrots”

With this the bunny hopped off.

However the next day the same rabbit hopped into the same Post Office and placed his paws on the counter and said

“Can I have a Pound of Carrots Please?”

“I’m sorry but were a Post office we don’t sell carrots” came the reply from the other side, and the rabbit a little upset that he had no carrots hopped of.

The next day the same rabbit came into the same post office and went to the same counter.

“Can I have a pound of Carrots please?”

“I’m sorry we still don’t sell carrots were a post office as I told you yesterday and the day before, I can sell you stamps, or post you a letter”

The rabbit left.

But the next day he was back and hoped to the same man at the same counter.

“Can I have a pound of Carrots please”

The man who was now rather fed up of this routine yelled “Look were a post office we don’t sell carrots. We sell cards, stamps, send packages, post letters, pay bills but we most certainly don’t sell carrots. If you come in here tomorrow and ask for any more carrots I will nail your paws to the counter”

And with that the bunny left with a tear in his eye.

However the next day he hoped straight in to the Post Office and to the man behind the counter.

“Can I have a bag of nails” he asked

“I’m sorry were a post office we don’t have nay nails” said the man

“Can I have a pound of carrots then” said the rabbit.

I hope you enjoyed the these jokes, even if you did see the punchline coming a mile off. Anyway that’s enough from me, I’m off to finally get to the gym this week, and see what happens. The walk I did the other day, was a nice little excercise as there were lots of hills, and I didn’t feel out of breath. But at one point I decided to joke and had to give in after five minutes as i was shattered. I’m hoping that three weeks out won’t of made me that unfit otherwise I will be sleeping at work tonight.

Bye