Funny noises coming from the corner!!!

Well, 20 minutes and 4k ran, that is not that bad even if I say so myself. I think I might of done better if I had made some funny noises and pulled a face like I was going to shit myself, or maybe you do that just in the weight room.

What was odd about today was that the regular fat man was not about. Every Saturday Brain walks on the treadmill, not fast but slowly ambles along. I must point out at this juncture that I do not know if his name is Brian I’ve just made that up, he looks like a Brian but could easily be a Colin. Anyway we digress.

Brian is fat, I know I have a tyre but Brian has several tractor one stuffed under his skin and all he seems to do is walk on treadmill. For god shake walk round town man or will you take a pit stop every time you see a Greggs or Subway and in Manchester that is a lot of Pit stops. He properly drives to and from the gym as well. I really don’t see the point in people using a treadmill to walk, like I know I look like a dick on the old cross trainer, but it’s not like I can do that at home. Brian could at l;east walk on the spot without knocking over the vase from Aunt Nelsi. I would like to point out that i am not trying to be rude about Brian and his weight issue, and maybe the doctor has said try walking to loose some pounds, but this is only going to work with Brian if he stops stuffing his face with lard.

Anyway my workout was a success this week, and I feel confident that I will be able to get there, I am even looking at buying some proper trainers to replenish the old rotten pair that cling to my feet at the moment. I was in fact going to do that today, but some studio rubbish got in the way and town was a little to busy for my liking. Over the coming weeks you will see how I hate and loathe my fellow shoppers but it does not take a law degree to walk. But judging by the inept members of the human race who must all be up for a Darwin award this simple task that I Learnt 27 years ago seemed to escape the mass populous today.

Instead today town was filled with Brian’s slowly plodding along like dinosaurs, and for those who had learnt to walk had not yet mastered walking in straight lines, This was only added to by the fact we seem to be in November and Christmas is hiding around the corner and everyone decided that today would be the day to buy all the presents. Now don’t get me wrong I don’t dislike Christmas I hate it, it seems to bring everyone out of the wood work and they only seem to clutter up the streets, and getting in my way.
I am becoming under the strong impression that we as a race should start to use signals as pedestrians and we should  have a slow and fast line with a by-law banning push chairs and mobility scooters on a Saturday. But for the next four weeks I can expect the city I love to suffer from over crowding and those out of town folks trying to soak up the wonderful Christmas atmosphere that Manchester is offering.

In other news I now have one more sponsor, bringing the grand total to £25.00.

Speak to you all later in the week.



Turn it Off

God some one pass me the cotton wool please.
Some jerk is thinking it will be good to play Christmas songs at full volume in the flat above and now I have Spice Girls intruding into my room giving it all that. Shut the sweet potato up please.

Well I now have 3 kind sponsors that means my tough gym time tomorrow will be worth it, and by god do I need to go. I decided to eat some soup and un-cut bread when I got in and was looking forward to the Heinz Cream of Tomato the only soup really worth having from a tin, to find that those cheeky people at Tescos have stolen the look from a Heinz can of soup. This upset me a great deal, and now i really wished I had not bothered.

The Jerk is now playing some trance crap and if he doesn’t stop whatever he is doing, I have a feeling I will be seeing him coming through my ceiling in a few minutes. Any way the true point of this post is to see what you think about my story in this wonderful industry I work in. I would like to say that it is not based on anyone, but I would love it to be true. Anyway enjoy this little piece I penned myself, while I go out and kick the shit out of this guy who now seems to be heading towards playing Mr Blooby. If he is trying to get a play list together for a club night, or wedding disco I feel sorry for the souls that will be drifting onto his dance floor.

Oh and I have just thought of yet another thing. Apple the cocks, decided to upgrade there perfectly working MobileMe site and to be fair the calendar has some wonderful new features, excepts it wipes all your groups and means my Blackberry won’t see any of my calendars so wipes them. Apple try this next time, I think you will find it works a treat and it is really quite easy to do, and will save you money in PR. Test you products before you release them to the world, and do your own testing rather than letting the sheep you have as customers do it for you. I would like to say that I am not one of those sheep if I was then I to would own a glass table mat that can surf the web as long as it was not a web page with flash player. Anyway enough of the moan I have to be up to gym it, then do a pointless tech and dress so now it story time. I hope you are all sitting comfortable? Good, then I will begin.

The New Director
Adrian walked into the office as he always did. The same time every year, for one of the most important meetings he’d ever have. The theatre had been running for over 30 years and for 29 of those Adrian had held the rein of directing the Christmas show. Adrian had been working on it since March and was looking forward to telling the rest of the company his ambitious plans.
He stepped into the production office to see a crowd of people already gathered, he quickly took his seat towards the back ready to make his entrance when introduced by the producer. He had it all scripted in his head, he had even penned his own introduction the previous night for Brian to read. After the introduction he would leave a dramatic pause allowing for people’s eyes to wonder around the room surveying there environment to see who if any could spot him in the shadows a bit like spying for the tower on the way to Blackpool. He had it planned that before anyone’s eyes had settled on him, he would slowly rise and continue the formality of introducing himself as the award winning director and savior of the theatre. Even though that title had been bestowed 25 years previous Adrian still hung to it like a baby holds their bottle.
Adrian quickly settled himself down waiting for the performance to start, he knew Brian was not much of a speaker and often relied on him to write his speeches. Adrian was impressed with what Brian was about to read even if he had written it himself, he had a flare and talent to write for other people especially when the subject was him.
He crept past the audience to take the seat at the back so no one could see him smile and beam as the words from his script circled the room. This was going to be a performance that Adrian actually enjoyed. he took his seat and ran the performance through his head. It was the same every year, Brian would get up and speak about the year, and the coming season, and he would end with ‘now may I pass you over to our good captain at the helm’ there would be a pause as eyes would hunt the room and just before they eyed the prey, Adrian would flamboyantly emerge. However today was going to prove a different affair for no sooner had he sat down and taken a breath ready to hold his hand aloft; the signal for Brain to begin, than a stranger next to Brian stood up.
“Welcome one and all”
No no no, thought Adrian this is not suppose to happen, what is this man doing. Adrian racked his brains to see if Brian had employed a new P.A or another producer. Maybe this man was going to introduce Brian. “Now there are some people in this room who don’t know one another but the coming months will I’m sure unite us as a team for the adventure we’re about to take” Has he spoke Adrian was thinking how magnificent his script would sound being performed by this man this stranger, someone who was obviously  use to public speaking, but as he was dreaming about what the script could sound like coming from this man, the stranger uttered his final sentence that caused Adrian to sit bolt up right.
“So let me introduce myself. I am the director” He turned to his left for Brian to announce who he was. Before Brian could open his mouth there came a spluttering from the back. The new director looked up to see Adrian coughing and glowing red, the new director reached for a glass and jug of water that was on the table. “Would you like a glass of water” he asked. Adrian slowly grew in stature, and steadied himself. This was not in the script. This was a re-write that he had not agreed to.
“A glass of water. A glass of flaming water?”
The director felt the the water and causally replied “It’s quite cold I would say”
“What I require sir” he looked at Brian “Is an explanation”
Brian who if he was standing would have surly collapsed into his seat, turned to face the director and uttered trough dry lips “I would rather like a glass of warm water”
Adrian knew at that moment  he’d been fired. Brian never liked confrontation, his throat would always dry when ever faced with a difficult task. Adrian would always tell him to follow the script, ‘always follow my script and you won’t show your nerves’. But now they had gone of script, and Brian knew as much and did not like it. He took the glass and drank, the director passed him the jug for a re-fill which brian clasped with both hands and proceeded to neck the liquid like a drunk.
“Would you mind ever so much in…”
Adrian was interrupted with a light hand gesture from the director. “My dear dear fellow I feel that I can explain what is happening. Brain here has employed my services for the Christmas show” With this he clasp his hands shut, feeling that this was the full extent of an explanation needed. In his eyes you didn’t need to explain any more to tell someone they had just wasted the best part of a year working on a play they weren’t going to direct.
“But I do the Christmas Show every year, have done for the past 29, I’ve been working on nothing but, since March. This years ‘Danny of the World’ was going to be my finest hour”
“Were not doing Danny” Brain whimpered from the safety of his seat still clutching the empty jug.
“Not doing Danny. Not Doing Danny. I think we are”
“We couldn’t get the rights,  found out a couple of months ago. I spoke to the writer and everything. The short of it is he denied us the rights”
“You spoke to the writer?” Adrian was shocked by this revaluation maybe Brian was loosing it. It was about time he had an nervous breakdown. His last one was three years ago and for the past twelve years they had come around every four years.
Brian nodded wondering why this would come as such a shock but felt he needed to justify himself. “I’m good fiends with him”
Adrian was now sure that Brian was loosing it. Claiming he was good friends with the writer. “Good friends with him? Have you lost your senses? He’s dead”
Brian jumped up out of his seat with shock “Water… I need more water” He was inhaling deeply, quick short breaths, waving his hand uncontrollably in front of him.
The director passed Brian the other jug, which he took with a shaky hand and poured into the jug he was already holding, he paused before he held it to his lips ready to take deep gulps between each word. “But” Gulp “when?” Gulp “I” Gulp “saw” Gulp “him” Gulp “only” the jug was empty and he finished his sentence “last week?”
“I think you need to take a break Brian” Adrian couldn’t believe the way Brain had reacted to what seemed to be common knowledge for the rest of the world it was almost has if he had been told a close friend had just kicked the bucket even Adrian’s niece hadn’t reacted this badly to the news. “Rahl has been dead a good ten years” Adrian retorted.
“Rahl. Rahl  what you talking about, the writer is David” Brian was now searching the room for more drink.
“Brain I think we all know that’s not the case.” Adrian was growing more concerned about his friend and wondering if it was the start of the madness that had caused Brian to employ the services of the new director maybe some sort of mid life crisis it’s what Brian usual did when he had his spells. Adrian remembered when he promoted the office pot plant to head of security, maybe this time was worst, maybe Brain was really having a mental break down it would certainly  explain the days events so far he thought.
“The writer of the play, not the book, David Woods wouldn’t let us have the rights because”    Brian paused before he continued. He thought deeply before continuing. Once he had captured the rooms attention and composed himself he came straight out with it. “He said you’d balls the all thing up”. The room went silent. Brian drained the last of the water from another jug and collapsed into his seat. The director surveyed the room wondering if he should step in and say anything. Adrian just stood there taking in what he had just heard. This was now off script. The work that he had written certainly did not criticize him, did not suggest that he was a hopeless director. Adrian was flummoxed. The day had began in a good light. The sun had been shinning, the eggs were good, the walk to work, the entrance into the production office, and then the stranger stood up. The stranger, the director who was now employed to do his job. Why had he not received a call, at least with a call he could of saved his embarrassment. He looked around the room.
This had come as a shock to Adrian. His best friend, the man who had been his flat mate, had asked him to be the godfather to his child, who had been there as the best man on his wedding day, and even on the other end of the phone while on honeymoon when he decided to come out. Adrian couldn’t believe that his best friend, and since two years ago his partner had kept this from him. He had always suspected something was up, secret meetings, and late night phone calls, but he thought Brian was just having an affair, not trying to make him unemployed over Christmas. “ Well I think that is the explanation I needed” He drew himself up, and walked out of the room. Twenty nine years of loyal service directing the christmas show, and not even an offer of being the assistant director or an availability check for next year. He reached the door, and clasped the handle, he pulled the lever down and clicked the door open, as he walked through he turned round to the audience in the room “I turned down the chance of Cinderella in Butlins Bognor for this place” With that he finished his exit and closed the door behind him.
Brian turned to the new director. “ Do you think we went to far?” the new director shook his head.
“Brian the guy needed telling he’ll see the funny side”
Brian sat down in his seat “I just hope your…” A gun shot finished Brian’s sentence for him, the P.A ran out of the room to see Adrian slumped across her desk holding a smoking gun. She let out a scream as she ran back into the office. “Adrian… Adrian… Adr…” She stammered Adrian’s name over and over until she managed to kick out “Dead”
Brian looked up at the new director who just shrugged. “Maybe we should of revealed the joke before he left the room” and with that he sat down. Brian learned close to him and whispered in his ear. “Can you actually direct or are you just an actor?
The new director turned to Brian and whispered a reply. There was a pause in the room, and Brian stood up.
“It is with great regret that the director of the building is not available to direct this years christmas Production, however Mark here” Gesturing to his right. “Has agreed to come on board to join our team. So please everyone welcome your new director”.

Hello and welcome

Well I am big. Big big big. I gave up the booze and lost a load of weight and then came my birthday and I put it all back on. Not all in one night you understand as that would be stupid.

So to get rid of this tyre that seems to be stuck under my jumper a visit to the gym was needed and you know something? the weight does not just drop off, you have to work at it for many weeks. I wish it was the other way round. You sit on your backside for months eating and drinking and very slowly you put weight on and in a matter of weeks it’s all gone. But for me and every one else it does not work like that. An oversight in the creation of mankind and evolution I feel.

Anyway I wonder from the path and for those who are still reading well done you. But I’m guessing you are very bored and have nothing better to do. Anyway at the risk of loosing anymore people lets get to the point. I started going to the gym and once again found I got addicted to it. I suddenly found myself wanting to run and I did, for a whole 10 minutes. That for me is a record, within a week I had built this up to running 5K.

Now for those who know me, I can be quite competitive, I never like people getting the upper hand so I decided I needed a mission, a target if you like so one text to a friend and it was clear what I would have to do.

So please follow me on my journey of amusing training and the dullness of my life while I prepare for the Bupa Great Manchester run. For those who can be bothered then I do have a Just Giving page the link can be found everywhere but just in case you’re not on Facebook or Twitter please find it at the bottom of this 1st post.

The serious bit is it is the only charity that I truly believe in. I have strong reasons for supporting them from a personal aspect. The charity is Christies and for those of you who do not know it, then it is a cancer hospital in Manchester that also carries out research. my thinking at the moment is rather than buying me a pint and a pie to celebrate as I crawl over the line to use that money as your donation but I will leave it with you. I would personally prefer the pie and pint, but I’m willing to let it pass if it means Christies gets the money it needs to continue to help those families and patients suffering from Cancer.

I hope you enjoy this blog. I will be chatting some crap a lot of the time but I do hope you enjoy watching me suffer as I try to reach my goal.

See you all soon.